Deep Depression

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When I was told I’d never be an Air Traffic Controller after I graduated college, it slid me into one of the deepest depression I’ve ever had. It reaped havoc in all areas of my life. My depression really tried the relationship between me and my wife, girlfriend at the time. I was stuck. Flat out shocked. I felt as though I had no options left.

The depression eventually turned to sheer desperation. I clung to any opportunity I can find. I even tried to force opportunities. I tried to get a job as a manager in a restaurant that I was currently working in. The district manager knew me so well that he turned me down. He said he knew this wasn’t what I wanted to do. Thank God he shut me down because he was so right!

I even tried cell phone sales, and TSA at the airport. Nothing felt right. I felt uneducated and very alone. I didn’t feel as smart as the people around me. I wasn’t going to be able to contribute financially to my household and that made me really felt like a joke. 26 years old working as a server at in a restaurant, and it looked like I had no future. I truthfully didn’t feel worthy to have the woman I had in my life.

At this time my brother is finishing up his doctorate, my girlfriend/future wife is finishing up her Masters in education, and I’m feeling like a deadbeat. I started pushing everything and everyone away.

We were living with a friend temporarily because we thought we were going to move away with my new air traffic control job. Since that had crumbled, it was time to get our own place.

We got a nice little two bedroom two bath apartment for $700 a month. I was scared to death because I was still trying to figure out which way was up. A lot of times we would pay our bills and I would have $11 left in my checking account. Those were painful and embarrassing times for me as a man. She would go off to work after being in school all day and I would sit at home and cry, stressed out because I wasn’t motivated enough to be the man our house needed. I never told her and she didn’t know I had $11 in my bank account. Well I guess she’s going to after reading this.

I literally sat at home for weeks thinking about asking Jessie to leave because I knew I didn’t deserve her. I did things I wasn’t proud of to numb the pain of being a loser, and coming up short in all aspects of my life. 

After months upon months, I knew we had to do something. Either I give up and be a waste full time, or figure out what the hell I wanted to do with my life and go get it. So, I picked a career field that I didn’t know much about and was only semi-interested in. I  just knew job prospects would be good so I went back to school for computer science.

Ahhhh! Another A+ decision. Going back to school for something I don’t care that much about just to make some money. Anyone care to guess how I paid for it?

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